I feel so old and tired! Each time I fall in love I 'm transformed into a newborn soul. And then when I fail, it seems as if I wake up a hundred years later. A few months ago I could fly, I was walking to the moon, I was making plans and spells, I was a witch and a fairy, I could seduce or conquer the world. I lost you and I feel so minimal. No one swears on my name. No one 's dreaming of me. I became a simple common tiny grain in the humans sand, 'cause You cannot see me anymore as a shiny grain of gold. Love turns us to phoenixes, reborn from our ashes and then burnt into ashes again. What a turbulent and heartbreaking circle, the circle that Eros draws around us!
I feel wasted. Time is passing. I see it passing and I'm worried. I hate watches. I hate the hourglass in my head and the other one in my heart. I could persuade myself I'm invincible by time.
But I must admit my lightness. I should take off my eyeballs not to be aware of the view. To do not compare you and my every day. Crisis moment: "I met you" I know you are not a big deal. But you were my deal. My only real "mine" and the only "mine" I never possessed. The only "mine" in an unique gap of my time.
I cannot stand it, I want to escape. Do you understand me? I feel weak. I feel puzzled. I need help. I'm trapped. Like a mouse in my own mousetrap. Everyone thought I was strong, mighty, 'cause I, first of all I was deceiving myself. I wanted to believe in my beautiful myth, to do not accept all my life was a big mistake, to lie to myself about the perfect dream I created. I woke up so old, I couldn't go back. And now my house of cards is demolished by the shining powerful reality. I couldn't do anything more... I don't believe myself anymore. It is you, you, you! Why didn't you let me sleep? Why, you scam, since you planned to go away? Sorry? You cannot be sorry! I cannot excuse you! I'm through for ever, I cannot excuse even me! I faced the perfection meeting you! I cannot be deceived anymore...
The truth is Noone's near me. I don't want anyone. They hurt me. They all seem roses. But they scratch me with thorns. You're not enough. You're just a stranger. Alone like me. But everyone's alone. That is not an excuse or a consolation. That is a statement. I'm indifferent if I'm really troubling you now. I'm troubled long ago. Be careful with me. I'm a woman in chains for so long... I'm dangerously sick for freedom. If I'm not free from now on I'll kill you or I'll kill myself. And my blood will be on your hands. This is my curse on you! I just want to be myself...
Dear smart eyes, the most probable is death will only tear us apart... See, between you and I there is pure mutual need for tenderness and consolation. There will be always hunger for understanding and support. You call me princess, but I'm just hopeless, in a whole house,a homeless. My last bright lights are the same as yours Jesus Christ and Poetry. We didn't met by chance... We met because we recognised each other as spiritual soulmates. I can't write a right poem for you. My feelings are too transluscent to become some kind of art.
There are there deep back two dark green lakes, where once I was washing all my sorrows and aches. I do not remember enough anymore to derive consolation from the wrecks of their seabed. The oblivion and the silence was always enemies of my existence. They were negating me, shrinking me. I was unlucky. I could live forever only with a dream. The reality was so transparent for me! Sometimes I wish I had been born blind.
I suffer for what I accepted. I suffer for what I tolerated. I suffer for what I trusted. Life long gagged thought I that if I fight for what is beautiful, if I was sacrified for the perfect, I would stifle the scream, which were overflowing me would extinguish the fire, which was burning me. What I tried to hide under the carpet became the nightmare which is haunting me. What have I done? I will die silent, burnt, half and definitely alone. You walk in this path only forward. At least I learned some things. I continue to learn. Do not weep, nothing gives hope for ever. I was for what you had got. For nothing more. You were for what I had got. For nothing more. Do not let yourself be deceived. Calm down. No matter where we go to. Yes, it hurts and I move on. In this path you can only walk forward.
The gap is growing and it is unbearably liberating. "I could never be so good to deal with how the old lady will pass the road... "someone said. I was always the good one, thus I grew up... I was neglecting myself. I'm learning now to shrink roles. Learning to forget others. Learning to look at last shortcomings in me. Learning to ignore you, 'cause your love is killing me. I wanted to live with you. I'm here, you are elsewhere. Voluntarily you no longer come near me. It's just natural selection. I have to accept it emotionally, to assimilate it. I owe it to my precious self.
