Blame my damn distinction for keeping me away from you. Many times I thought: What will happen if I come to meet you and you buy me a coffee? Anyone would dare. I missed you so much! You was a friend first and foremost, and your physical presence would reassure me, love in my eyes would reanimate your hope. As much as I need to see you, you would have too. I came several times outside your door, sat in the tavern opposite, in spying, lifted many times the phone to talk to you. I did not.As you sickened , you started to change. This cursed cancer ate you as a whole. Rallied you came back to basics. Seeing your rapid decline, not controlling the effects of the exhausting treatment and the illness's progression, you were pitying yourself, but you did not want to be pitied.
But I love you. You would never be seen by me differently. I would never lose my hope for you. I longed for your soul and for gaining more time next to you, especially now that the threat of a future shortage was obvious and rapid.
You knew how much I suffered. Knew, but you did not want to share this awful pain, nor to be concerned with my distress about it, to be extorted from your hard champion's fight .
You had your own family to support them and to be supported, their anguish to face ahead, you lapped to win for them, with them to be hugged.
Furthermore it was you and yourself in battle. In a duel no third is shuffled , except the trustworthy witnesses.
On the other hand you dreamed about our own relationship in different conditions and now it seemed your plan was sinking, our ship hit a reef, so we should abandon the ship.
I 've been excluded, blocked. Violently. You did not have the luxury to think about it. Maybe that way your problem was moving away from me. Maybe that way I would be saved from your agony.
But I loved you and I still love you. The human soul is dissolved by such separations. It trivializes. Loses its purpose, its essence, its rationale. What's the point in having my love for you in my heart if I do not accompany you discreetly even from afar in your suffering?What I experienced in your case I describe it in one word: hell. Yeah, so I set myself to hell. When being thirsty to drink I can not find where, when I want me to stand by you and I am chased away, when I want to take advantage of every second to contact and I must wait for an uncertain future, when I want to prove my feelings and I'm rejected.
And this Hell is still continuing, I remain with the phone in my hand without calling you, because this damn distinction of mine keep whispering in my ear that you have any right to remain silent; you have any right to keep me away...
